Reconnecting with myself

It has been almost 3 months since my last article on this blog. My meditation practice deteriorated in that period and because of that, so did my connection with myself. In this article I want to share why this happened.

In the period since the last article Elly and I have from Taipei to London. This was challenging and frustrating at times. To give you a sense of the situations we faced during the move:

  • I had lost my wallet, with my debit and credit cards in it, the day before we moved to London. It became quite difficult for us to pay the advance for our flat in London because of this. Fortunately for us, we had a friend in England who was able to lend us the money!
  • The flat we are renting in London was left behind in an unhygienic state by the previous tenants (there was a strong urine smell coming from several places in the house!). Our landlord was not in the country to inspect the flat before we entered it, so he had not brought the flat back to clean condition before we moved in.
  • Our ISP failed to send us our internet router twice (and almost thrice), which left us without internet access for many days. This is a difficult situation for me because I work from home, and without an active internet connection I cannot do anything at all.

What is more important than what happened, is how we dealt with what happened. Even though we were quite frustrated because we couldn’t settle down, I believe we kept a clear head and just dealt with what we were faced with.

Having said that, the situations we were encountering made sure that I was hardly focused on myself and very focused on everything around me. Meditation did not seem attractive to me at all. In fact, spirituality did not have a high priority at all (which explains my silence on this blog).

The first thing I dropped in this situation is the last thing I should have dropped: regular contact with myself (regular meditation). When I use the term regular meditation, I mean to say meditation at a fixed moment in the day for a fixed duration. My habit for example, is to meditate for one hour directly after waking up.

I was still meditating daily, but the duration and moment were all over the place. One day I would be meditating for 2 minutes immediately after dinner, on another day 20 minutes after breakfast, on again another day 15 minutes on the train. This lack of stability in my practice caused a lack of stability in my mind, and this stability is the stability that I need even more than the stability of my home situation. This lack of stability in my mind caused a vicious circle which I have experienced before in the past. The only method that I know to break this circle is deciding to practice regularly.

I’m happy to see and say that I have made that decision once again.


2 thoughts on “Reconnecting with myself

  1. Rishi

    Hi Ilyaz,

    I’m pleased to hear that you have gotten yourself back on track. There is much to be learned from these events and the way you handled them. I think it’s quite remarkable that you could diagnose the root cause of you troubles so quickly and accurately while all this was going on.

    This got me thinking… why did this routine break and how can we avoid falling into this trap in the first place? Is it just a matter of discipline? Are there ways to learn how to or at least help to keep you on track?

    What do you think?

    Much love to you and Elly.

    1. ilyaz Post author


      In my case I became less regular in my meditation because of a ‘temptation’.

      The situations that Elly and I were facing demanded my attention. It then became tempting for me to say to myself: “I’m feeling good and this situation is very important, so let me take care of that first and then I will meditate.” This is a slippery slope for me, because there always seems to be an important issues that needs to be taken care of. So as soon as I did this once, it became easy to do it once more, and then once more, etc.

      Preventing it for me means recognising that type of thinking in myself, and then, on the basis of my negative past experiences with that type of thinking, not choosing to follow it.

      I do believe it is easier to prevent yourself from doing certain things when you’ve had negative experiences with it, than by just reading about it on this blog for example. The reason I mention it on this blog is because I hope that anyone who reads this will recognise this type of thinking or this type of life situation more easily.


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